f u n . g i r l

I wanna be a ...

*

Stay upbeat, keep smiling, make choices that perpetuate your own happiness!

Avoid anxiety triggers, be productive, put yourself into good situations. Be kind, mindful and true. 

l i t t l e . l i g h t

Whenever I pass by a window, I can't help but look inside--especially at night. Walking past in the dusk or darkness, they glow seductively, little golden glimpses into another world.

*

I recall a conversation in winter, when I was four or five: my father sitting on the edge of my bed one night and telling me how to break my window (with the miniature blonde-wood chair from my desk set) and escape in case of fire. I imagined myself hopping through knee-high snow in my nightgown; I tried to summon up the strength that such a task necessitated, and wondered if I ever could.

*

Five years later: on summer nights when high-winds rendered me too anxious for sleep, I sought comfort in the noise and light of television. Nestled on the plaid couch in our family living room, I focused my eyes on the screen and willed myself not to glance towards the far side of the room with its wide windows; beyond the peeling paint of those aged wood frames was the wide open sky, tinged an unnatural pink. In front, there stood a long table of heavy, antique wood which was laden with plants whose silhouettes were only just visible against the glass.  

I remember the angry howl of the wind coming down the chimney and the ominous sight of skeleton branches dancing wildly against the clouds.

*

On another summer evening, in young-adulthood: walking through quiet neighborhoods with someone that I had feelings for, the mood casual yet confusing. As we meandered past quaint houses on lush, tree-lined streets, I passingly peeked into open windows; I wondered if the people who lived within were happy. As the sun set and nature turned cool grey and blue, I wanted to be inside the golden light of those bright homes and the life that they embodied.

c y n d i

At the moment, it's approximately a thousand degrees inside my condo; I'm sweating underneath my laptop, cursing the fact that the night's passed by too quickly. I also feel a cold coming on.

While I work, background noise is an absolute necessity (otherwise, in the silence, my mind wanders to strange places and things can get a little too intense). Usually it's video looping around, familiar character voices and story lines filling the void; there are shows and movies that I've probably played hundreds of times (I once watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire four consecutive times to stay in the zone while painting). Once in a while, however, I'll switch over to music.

Tonight was a Cyndi Lauper kind of night; once I saw her name, I had to listen. She reminds me of childhood and freedom and excitement; I want to be like her, channel that spirit of intense individuality and openness and passion.

*

I've been caught too, thinking about the past and playing the melancholy "what if" game. I'm happier now in life than I've ever been, but it's still impossible not to look back and sigh a little bit sometimes.

*

I just wanna have fun!

p o o r . b a b y

I used to compalin, a lot.

After some reflection, I understand that this was a side-effect of internalizing my feelings. If I was forcing myself to be quiet about big things the majority of the time, then once I was around someone I felt able to talk to, I unleashed a constant stream of negativity. It was an ugly trait, something that I'm ashamed to admit doing.

There was a day several years ago when I vowed to resist complaining for an entire day; surprisingly (or perhaps not) it was one of the best days that I'd experienced in a while; I realized that by being negative, even if only jokingly, I was only perpetuating more negativity and cheating myself out of happiness. I often think back to that day, reminding myself to quit whining unnecessarily.

There are still times though, when I need to vent: when the streetcar short-turns in the rain and I have to walk home, when someone takes advantage of me or is mean, when reality falls short of my expectations. I need to try to remember though to keep my problems in perspective, especially when what I'm complaining about is myself.

It goes like this: I set goals, don't achieve them, get upset, reflect and say to myself, poor baby, how awful for you. It's self-deprecation, which isn't really that much better than complaining.

What I really need to do is push myself harder to achieve the things that I set out to do. I want to continue to push myself to be the kind of person who has nothing to complain about.