Argentina, 2009.
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I am afraid to type these words but:
I read somewhere once that good bloggers are positive, upbeat etc. Something like: "no one wants to read about your sad vibes". That being said, if that's how I naturally am, I feel DOOMED from the start. In blogging, much as in real life, I realize that I stay quiet lest I put people off by being gloomy or frazzled; my posts are pretty pictures and not much else. But who wants that? Not me, really.
I want to share my art and process with the world, but I feel as if I'm lacking. I always feel as if I'm lacking, and I feel that by admitting that to the world I'm painting myself as weak. I wish I was bright and bubbly all the time. I even wish that I could fake it, if only for the purpose of being here. But I can't. I also don't want to be the girl bragging about her miserable life as if it's a beautiful little independent film, subtly begging for sympathy.
SEGUE
The past few weeks have taught me a lot. I'm the kind of girl who has "AHA" wake up calls every couple days, but never really stays on track long enough to make a change. My most recent light-bulb told me that I'm really not taking care of myself, in the greatest sense of the word; I don't eat well or drink enough water, I barely sleep, I worry and agonize over meaningless details and stress myself sick on a daily basis and I haven't been exercising as much as I should. If I smoke or drank regularly, I'd probably be dead by now.
My point in saying this is that I really don't want to be this girl anymore. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to take agony off of my daily schedule, and just float through a well laid out frame-work, able to plan ahead and create pockets of space in my life for things that actually matter to me.
That, my friends, is my dream of dreams.
