r e s o l v e

New Year Resolutions:

I. Don't give up; don't accept ennui and stagnation.
II. Don't place your hopes on others; continue to build yourself up and be strong.
III. Stop buying extra lives on Candy Crush.
IV. Don't be afraid to succeed.

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I've never been a giant fan of New Years; I habitually experience a juxtaposition of anxiety and anti-climactic ennui around the end of every December and it lingers through the end of the year and into the start of the next. This year, I upped the ante by blanketing all that old jazz with the hectic haze of moving stress and a new job with erratic hours. For the first time, I had the experience of working on both New Years eve and New Years Day;  I hate to admit how bitter and left out of life I've been feeling lately, knowing that everyone else is out having fun while I'm at the office. 

On the last day of 2013, I made my way to meet my friends and Josh at a quiet house party; I arrived just after 11:30, sober, cold and with a headache. We chatted, ate excellent snacks and had several dance parties in the kitchen. We missed the the official countdown to midnight by about six minutes; Josh and I kissed and there were party-poppers and mimosas. Our friend shared her little black hat with us and it lead to some fantastic photos (there I am, attempting to wink).

j u s t . d a n c e

Crowds have become a crazy source of stress for me lately; I mainly blame the TTC for this and the daily hours which I now spend navigating stations in rush hour, getting trapped in turnstiles and shoved by strangers. It used to be that I'd shrug while someone else expressed their distress at visiting crowded locales — now I feel disoriented and slightly panicked when I'm faced with them.

It's not the being trapped that I fear; I think instead, it's the watchful eyes of people that I don't know and accidental collisions which make me nervous. I don't want to be the cause of displeasure; I don't want to be out of place or a nuisance.

Ironically, the crowd at a night club calms me; there in the darkness, I can lose myself amongst the bodies and pulsating noise. The semi-hedonistic ritual of dancing with reckless abandon is utterly freeing for me; albeit not foolproof, more often than not the mixture of obscurity and deafening music relieves me of every worry, every doubt and all of my unnecessarily self-imposed rules for polite behavior . In those anonymous moments, I can stop being the girl who ruins everyone's fun with her anxiety and simply be fun-girl.

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I was a late bloomer in terms of youthful things like alcohol and partying. It wasn't until I was in my early twenties that I allowed my cousin to convince me to join her for a night out of drinking and dancing. I still remember the feeling of my awkward self-consciousness slowly abating as I stood at the edge of a room lit by red lights, watching as the crowd meandered in; there was a girl, dressed in schoolgirl blouse and kilt, dancing alone on the empty floor. She had her eyes closed and she moved with confidence and complete nonchalance; at the time I laughed, but now I am that girl.

c a k e . d a y !

Today is my birthday! I've always been the kind of person who loves their b-day (as you might have guessed from all of the exclamation marks thus far!). I love the sensation of knowing that on this day, how ever many years ago (it's 24 today) I came into existence; my mum usually calls me at 6:12 am to remind me. I love the feeling of specialness that pervades today; June 28 belongs to me. It's hard to explain, but my birthday feels like a hug, all warm and wonderful.

This birthday feels especially excellent because I know that I'm going to be surrounded by people who love me; I jam packed my weekend to make it so. In the past, I might have felt crushed when people didn't pay attention to me today, or when people that I thought were my friends showed their true colours; as wonderful as birthdays should be, they can sometimes be awfully lonely. This year however, I vow to only surround myself with positivity. I won't place my happiness in the hands of anyone else.

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In preschool, when my mum rented a giant bouncy castle for my friends and I to jump away the afternoon; when I turned 13 and had an co-ed party with spin the bottle (and felt pretty cool for once); in England on my 16th, when my Uncle bought me a selection of mini-cakes; my 19th, when my best friend told me the beach was too lame for a party; my early 20s, spent in Argentina, visiting the zoo and going to midnight movies; last year, when I spent my actual birthday alone, with pizza, Netflix and my cat, Rory (a sad one).

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I am enamored of "baby" pictures lately; see me, below, rockin' a seersucker dress (made by my gramma, who also used to make me amazing birthday cakes) as I swing the summer away on my Cookie Monster swing-set. Be free, little Sam.